May 3, 2025 / 9 Minute Read

pressure & privilege

Most people are well aware of the difficulties of being a parent. Even those of us without children can comprehend the immense responsibility that accompanies raising one.

Few people, however, seem to discuss the often equally taxing plight of the child, specifically if that child happens to be the firstborn.

As the figurative test dummies of every family, we firstborns have a unique lot in life, a lot that very often is extremely tough to fill.

Allow me to shed some light on it.

Throughout this article, we’ll discuss some of the pressures and privileges that come with being the firstborn.

overcome over-responsibility

One of the first obstacles we firstborns deal with is a sense of over-responsibility.

Those of us blessed with siblings are often forced to act as a sort of “junior parent” exercising the responsibility of a guardian while lacking the tangible power and respect. 

Alternatively, those of us who grow up as lonely onlys are often subjected to unrealistic expectations and harsh punishments by parents with no standard or reference guide on how to properly raise or discipline a child.

In short, firstborns are often forced to shoulder physical and emotional loads that are far too heavy for their feeble bodies. The damage caused by this overexertion can last a lifetime. 

On the bright side, over-responsibility, if culled to a healthy, normal level, can be considered a privilege. A strong sense of culpability can cultivate traits such as reliability and empathy, both essential ingredients to a prosperous life.

However, the firstborn must realize that they are not responsible for saving the world, just their little section.

For those who need it, here are some tips on dealing with over-responsibility: 

• Practice Saying No: The firstborn must learn to say no to others and himself. If you’re not used to saying no, spend some time practicing. Remember to be assertive, yet polite (Leman 40).

• Learn to Let Things Go Undone: Not every task needs your immediate attention, and not everything needs to be done to your exact expectations. Learn to accept life’s imperfections and practice exercising the power of grace.

• Learn to Express Yourself: If you feel like too much is being expected out of you, don’t be afraid to speak up. Unfortunately, when people realize they can take advantage of you, they often will. Learn to walk that thin line of confidence and assertiveness instead of succumbing to a fight or flight response.

• Take Time to Relax: Firstborns are notorious for moving as fast as possible and are unusually susceptible to stress and burnout. Learn to take time for yourself. Aside from writing, I have a number of other solo hobbies, including hiking and roller-skating. Make a conscious effort to set aside a certain amount of time a day, week, or month to do something you enjoy.

• Don’t Box Yourself In: Setting goals and keeping a list of things to do can be helpful. However, they turn into a negative when they control your life. Allow yourself the space and flexibility to course correct or recharge. 

part with perfection

Another hurdle that many firstborns face is a struggle with perfectionism.

As previously stated, many of us are subjected to unrealistic and unhealthy expectations by those around us. We are pushed to strive for greatness in everything we do, but we oftentimes interpret this to mean that we must be perfect.

I mean, what else besides a perfect being could excel at everything it does?

When we inevitably stumble, this perception often leads to a warped self-image, driving some of us to view ourselves as nothing more than simple machines, weapons waiting to be wielded by parents, coaches, teachers, and friends. 

This can be a terrible burden, leading many firstborns down a path of self-condemnation and ultimately destruction. However, if one is able to shed the arbitrary and impractical idea of human perfection, he will be in a fantastic position to succeed.

Chasing perfection builds skills such as industriousness, attention to detail, and critical thinking. By dedicating these skills to chasing excellence instead of perfection; the perfectionist mindset can morph into a valuable privilege that propels the firstborn forward.

For those who need it, here are some tips for parting with perfectionism:

• Learn From Your Failures: Let’s be real, none of us like to lose and we all hate the feeling of failure. If you don’t, seek medical attention immediately. Alas, us firstborns tend to aggressively overreact when we find ourselves on the short end of the stick. Try to remember that failure is a natural part of life, and can be a great teacher if allowed. Failing can teach us compassion and humility, it can help us reconsider and reorder our priorities, and in some instances, tasting failure shows us that failing really isn’t so bad after all. Learn to see the loss as a lesson (Leman 90).

• Strive for Excellence: A good way to drive yourself mad is to strive for perfection. Trust me, I speak from experience. Instead, the firstborn should learn to strive for excellence. The perfectionist often has the feeling that if he can’t be perfect, he won’t even try. The pursuer of excellence is a risk-taker who says. “Well, I may not do this well, but I’m going to give it a shot!” The pursuer of excellence is the person who is constantly getting better, constantly growing, and always enjoying life (Leman 93). 

• Be Real With Yourself: Due to various circumstances, many firstborns have an extremely toxic self-image. We tend to hyper-fixate on our weaknesses and overlook our strengths, or in some instances the reverse, leaving us either puffed up by pride or brought low by doubt. The firstborn must learn to abandon this bipolar temperament and accept that he is neither all good nor all bad. Learn to take a realistic and fair assessment of yourself, unburdened by false ideas and alternate realities. 

make peace with your parents

As you can probably tell by now, us firstborns have strange and oftentimes strained relationships with our parents.

Subjected to mommy and daddy at their peak prowess and least experience, many of us struggle to overcome the scars left by those we trusted most.

I know this might sound strange, but sometimes, it honestly felt like my parents were more like a big brother and sister. I can remember numerous occasions throughout my childhood where I somehow played the role of the adult while my parents acted like the emotional brats. 

I won’t bore you with the gory details of the darker aspects of my childhood, at least not in this article. Let’s just say I struggled with anger and resentment towards my parents for a long time, until one day, my mom said something that put everything into perspective:

“It’s my first time being a mother,” she said.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some truly awful parents in the world who willfully and purposely damage their offspring. However, for many of us, that simply isn’t the case. 

While my parents may not have gotten it right all the time, I trust that they tried their best and made the best out of a sticky situation.

Today, my relationship with my parents is better than I could have imagined. I talk to them freely and, though it might sound odd; I feel as though I’ve watched them grow and mature right alongside me. 

We as firstborns, and children in general, must learn to accept that our parents are not the infallible super beings our childish minds conjured up.

They’re just kids with more experience.

For those who need it, here’s some advice on making peace with your parents:

• Tell Them How You Feel: Not in a bitter, accusing way but as gently and lovingly as possible. They may feel as bad as you do, but it’s hard for them to face it. Alternatively, they may have no idea of your resentment and will want to do everything they can to repent. It may seem hard, but it’s much better than exploding from suppressed anger or living with unforgiveness in your heart. If you’re uncomfortable speaking in person, consider writing a letter (Leman 61).

• Remember It’s Not Your Fault: Remember that it’s not your fault your parents didn’t treat you as well as you would have wanted them. The only person you can control in this world is yourself. You are not responsible for your parents behavior!

• Choose Forgiveness: If you’re holding onto bitterness and unforgiveness, you’re only hurting yourself. You must make a conscious decision to forgive your parents. Forgiveness for the most part is something you do and not something you feel. Don’t be afraid to ask God for help!

• Seek Help: Don’t be afraid to seek professional help, especially if you’ve already tried the methods listed above to no effect. People spend years studying to become doctors, therapists, and psychiatrists, all to help people like you and me. Make sure to use them!

heavy is the head

I hope I’ve provided an adequate screenshot into the crazy world of the eldest child.

While the pressures of being a firstborn are imposing, the privileges that come with the position are just as formidable. 

Despite the gruesome trials that come with signaling the beginning of a new generation, I am truly grateful for my place in the world, and I hope you other trailblazers out there feel the same.

For a full guide on navigating the life of a firstborn, check out Growing Up Firstborn by Dr. Kevin Leman. 

Bye Chance.

references

Leman, Kevin. Growing up Firstborn: The Pressure and Privilege of Being Number One. Dell, 1990.